I’ve been meaning to blog my KKB experience for quite some time now. But I just can’t seem to get around it because of what I’m about to tell you. I have debated with myself for a long long time whether I should be even blogging this; it’s far too personal. I decided to post it up anyway. A person’s blog should reflect one’s true feeling. Not just the good parts, but the parts we’re ashamed off and the parts we wish to remain hidden.
I have always been excited to usher in the new semester. It takes oneself closer to one’s dream, it wipes the state clean of yesteryear, and it marks one’s step to adulthood. That all came crashing down when I received my CVS result. I have no idea why, but missing that A for CVS was catastrophic. For a while, I was happy with what I received- Mei Ann and Sree would stand to testify, but that euphoria did not last long. When it ended, I was forced to brave a face totally not of my own. Within a blink of an eye, I lost my sense of purpose. Rooted to the floor, unsolicited images of failing EOS pounded me mercilessly.
I don’t know the turn of events that would have transpired if Mei Ann wasn’t there that day. Although unknown to her, our discussion regarding orientation saved what little rational thought I have left. When I met Debbi, I once again dawned that alien face. Instilling that disguise helped somewhat in masking my true feelings and for a while- I forget.
Over the next few days, I battled denial and depression. For the first time in my life, I felt defeated.
When I finally came out of that reverie, I promised myself that I will do everything in my power not to feel this stupid, this useless, this worthless, this mediocre in my life ever again. It's time to be a bit kiasu
For the first week of Respi, I studied everything two days in advance, I barely slept and I was exhausted-but I felt great. I concentrated so much on lectures that my PBL suffered. I seriously considered taking the easy way out and skipped PBL2- using Chinese New Year as an excuse. Oh how glad I didn’t, I received a boost of morale from Htin Ong. Say what you will about him, but by god; he can really inspire people.
I’ve been using the Chinese New Year holiday- as Htin Ong would put it, ‘to run ahead.‘ I’ve read most of the notes in the I-drive, and once again, I’ve cut down on my sleeping time. But is that enough? I met three people from our batch in the library yesterday. Today, it was four; one of them was studying 'Hypoxia'. That means I am behind. Do I need to run faster and harder? What more do I need to sacrifice?
I can already feel my momentum slowing down, my determination is slipping away, and I am just so f**king tired of running. I don’t know if I am able to keep this pace up anymore.