Legs tensed, torso braced against the bitter wind. A human silhouette lay against the backdrop of darkness howling with the torment of defeat. Standing on the precipice of doom, all lights are extinguished- signifying a hope that has long yet died, never to return.
Arms inertly hung by my side- shamed by the downfall of valour. I bleed anew with each constant parry against an aerial blade. It hacks and thrusts, eluding my defences- lusting for blood. Each mutilation injects a lethal venom that massacres from within. Moribund, I lay lifeless waiting for a fate that has yet to come.
Face thrashed to the unyielding earth, gasping for the last ounce of air; I ponder my stance against an enemy that cannot be seen, heard, touched or even sensed. Should I have run and never look back? What compelled me to take arms and fight against the inevitable end that was pre-ordained?
What then, if I was to discover using a mirror; the devastating truth that the invisible enemy is none other than myself?
Is fate so wicked that it coerces you to slay yourself? What then, if you were to discover that true death comes not from the wounds, or the venom, or from the torture and agony, but from the submission of defeat and from the trepidations you instilled within yourself?
The chill is suffocating, unforgiving. Each fading breath promises a liberation from this malicious incarceration. I succumb to the engulfing darkness.
It all started with a damn episode of Scrubs I watched with YX. Those avid watchers might recollect a particular episode where Michael J. Fox (one of my favourite actors) made a guest appearance as a Surgeon/Doctor suffering from OCD.
For the entire day and the day after, I began to question myself whether I am indeed an OCD sufferer.
Reasons supporting:
1. I have this stupid habit where I have to check, re-check, and “re-re-checking” certain acts. Take the stove, the iron, or the door for example. I am certain I turned off/switched off/ or locked the respective items; but somehow, this fleeting image comes obtrusively and uninvited that I did otherwise. Worse is, I just have to imagine the worst case scenario. So, that’s accompanied by the house being burned down, or being burgled. It’s not as bad if I am still in the house when this happens, but if I am already in the car for example, then I have to get out, switched off the engine, opened the locks and check the iron. When I get there, I see that I have already switched it off, then; halfway out of the door, came the thought again. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like I know I was in front of the iron, but I can’t really remember if I switched it off- or more specifically, I can’t remember the act of switching it off. Again, I am sure I switched it off, but I can’t take the risk. So I have to drag my ass off to do it again- remembering myself that I would visualize the act of ‘clicking’ the switch off. It helps if I can remember the sound as well- it kinda helps to confirm that I switched it off. Usually, I only have to do this once, but sometimes, it happen three or four times and get extremely frustrating. I’ve learned that if it happens more than once, I simply take a picture of the iron being unplugged. At least when I get back to the car, I can check the picture. Sometimes- but rarely, I have to check the picture twice. I think I once had to stop on the emergency lane on the highway to double confirm. But as I said, it’s rare.
2. I get obsessed with cleanliness or hygiene. Two examples, my bed and my clothes. Ok, I have 5 pillows. In my mind, each of them has a specific function or I can only use them after certain pre-requisites are met. So, pillow No.1- Main head pillow. Can only be used after I have bathed recently (within an hour) and I am in my ‘bed’ clothes (will talk about it later). Usually used for sleeping at night. Pillow No.2- Accessory head pillow- to be used when you have bathed recently (within hours) and in my ‘room’ clothes. Pillow No.3- Head pillow- to be used when I have bathed recently, but I was subjected to the outside world which in my mind is still ‘clean’. Like going out to check mail, or just to get something from the store. Pillow No.4- Head pillow- to be used when I am too lazy to bath. Pillow No.5- accessory pillow- Never ever to be used as a head pillow. Usually used as a lower limb support. If you guys ever do manage to come into my room, hope you guys don’t be too offended if I ask you to get up from my bed ok? I just get a bit uncomfortable. Oh, there’s also the bed spread and the blanket throw. That also come attached with a few pre-requisites, but this blog is getting too long already. Let’s just fast-forward to the clothes- I have ‘bed’ clothes- clothes to be worn only in bed (after an immediate shower) and is changed immediately into either ‘room’ clothes (when I am in my room) or ‘outside’ clothes (every other attire that does not fall into the previous two categories). If that’s not bad enough, I also have “clinic” ties and lab coats- to be used only in the Hospitals or Health Clinics. Taking out the rubbish for me is a hassle. The hands have to be completely washed and scrub after touching the garbage bags. You know when you throw the rubbish bag into a slightly smaller container than the beg, the pressure would cause the air to kinda ‘gush’ out from the container- well, if that ‘wind’ hits my face or clothes, I absolutely have to bath or change the attire.
3. Miscellanous- I like things to be neat; but not to such an extent as how you would imagine it. However, I am quite particular about stacked or arranged books though- it have to be stacked according to their length or width; depending on how you stack them. The weird thing is, it only affects my books; sometimes I don’t really care also.
Fortunately, being a medical student; one gains the skill of accessing massive libraries of medical literatures. To cut the story short, while rummaging through the reliable sources, I’ve come to realise that I do not have OCD. It’ll take to long to explain; but if you guys are really interested to know. There is a Yale-Brown Obsessive Compulsive Scale that’ll give you a clue if you are a sufferer.
Nice to know that I’m not a sufferer though. However, my aforementioned habits are in the list of symptoms; but I don’t even qualify for the “risk group of developing OCD” due to the lack of other presenting symptoms. There is an “obsessive with one’s body image and diet” check list though- I guess I better curb that habit before it gets out of hand. :-D
SO, moral of this very lengthy post is. Never watch a show with YX. Hahahahah!!!!
On another note, I haven’t managed to blog about Raya or my brother’s engagement yet though. However, here’s a little sneak preview….
For the entire day and the day after, I began to question myself whether I am indeed an OCD sufferer.
Reasons supporting:
1. I have this stupid habit where I have to check, re-check, and “re-re-checking” certain acts. Take the stove, the iron, or the door for example. I am certain I turned off/switched off/ or locked the respective items; but somehow, this fleeting image comes obtrusively and uninvited that I did otherwise. Worse is, I just have to imagine the worst case scenario. So, that’s accompanied by the house being burned down, or being burgled. It’s not as bad if I am still in the house when this happens, but if I am already in the car for example, then I have to get out, switched off the engine, opened the locks and check the iron. When I get there, I see that I have already switched it off, then; halfway out of the door, came the thought again. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like I know I was in front of the iron, but I can’t really remember if I switched it off- or more specifically, I can’t remember the act of switching it off. Again, I am sure I switched it off, but I can’t take the risk. So I have to drag my ass off to do it again- remembering myself that I would visualize the act of ‘clicking’ the switch off. It helps if I can remember the sound as well- it kinda helps to confirm that I switched it off. Usually, I only have to do this once, but sometimes, it happen three or four times and get extremely frustrating. I’ve learned that if it happens more than once, I simply take a picture of the iron being unplugged. At least when I get back to the car, I can check the picture. Sometimes- but rarely, I have to check the picture twice. I think I once had to stop on the emergency lane on the highway to double confirm. But as I said, it’s rare.
2. I get obsessed with cleanliness or hygiene. Two examples, my bed and my clothes. Ok, I have 5 pillows. In my mind, each of them has a specific function or I can only use them after certain pre-requisites are met. So, pillow No.1- Main head pillow. Can only be used after I have bathed recently (within an hour) and I am in my ‘bed’ clothes (will talk about it later). Usually used for sleeping at night. Pillow No.2- Accessory head pillow- to be used when you have bathed recently (within hours) and in my ‘room’ clothes. Pillow No.3- Head pillow- to be used when I have bathed recently, but I was subjected to the outside world which in my mind is still ‘clean’. Like going out to check mail, or just to get something from the store. Pillow No.4- Head pillow- to be used when I am too lazy to bath. Pillow No.5- accessory pillow- Never ever to be used as a head pillow. Usually used as a lower limb support. If you guys ever do manage to come into my room, hope you guys don’t be too offended if I ask you to get up from my bed ok? I just get a bit uncomfortable. Oh, there’s also the bed spread and the blanket throw. That also come attached with a few pre-requisites, but this blog is getting too long already. Let’s just fast-forward to the clothes- I have ‘bed’ clothes- clothes to be worn only in bed (after an immediate shower) and is changed immediately into either ‘room’ clothes (when I am in my room) or ‘outside’ clothes (every other attire that does not fall into the previous two categories). If that’s not bad enough, I also have “clinic” ties and lab coats- to be used only in the Hospitals or Health Clinics. Taking out the rubbish for me is a hassle. The hands have to be completely washed and scrub after touching the garbage bags. You know when you throw the rubbish bag into a slightly smaller container than the beg, the pressure would cause the air to kinda ‘gush’ out from the container- well, if that ‘wind’ hits my face or clothes, I absolutely have to bath or change the attire.
3. Miscellanous- I like things to be neat; but not to such an extent as how you would imagine it. However, I am quite particular about stacked or arranged books though- it have to be stacked according to their length or width; depending on how you stack them. The weird thing is, it only affects my books; sometimes I don’t really care also.
Fortunately, being a medical student; one gains the skill of accessing massive libraries of medical literatures. To cut the story short, while rummaging through the reliable sources, I’ve come to realise that I do not have OCD. It’ll take to long to explain; but if you guys are really interested to know. There is a Yale-Brown Obsessive Compulsive Scale that’ll give you a clue if you are a sufferer.
Nice to know that I’m not a sufferer though. However, my aforementioned habits are in the list of symptoms; but I don’t even qualify for the “risk group of developing OCD” due to the lack of other presenting symptoms. There is an “obsessive with one’s body image and diet” check list though- I guess I better curb that habit before it gets out of hand. :-D
SO, moral of this very lengthy post is. Never watch a show with YX. Hahahahah!!!!
On another note, I haven’t managed to blog about Raya or my brother’s engagement yet though. However, here’s a little sneak preview….
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